Right now, the only thing that's keeping me from quitting any and all forms of Buddhist activity (besides chanting alone in front of my Gohonzon) is this piece of guidance:
It is only natural to feel that our efforts have been worthwhile and be motivated to work harder when we are recognized and praised by those around us. Part of a leader’s responsibility is to acknowledge, commend, and encourage those who are making dedicated, earnest efforts.
However, even if we are not praised or properly appreciated, it is important that we don’t end up resenting leaders and other members, or lose our enthusiasm. That only erases our benefit and good fortune and causes us to stop growing.
Buddhist practice is a struggle with the devilish functions within one’s own life. Those devilish functions will use every possible means to sap the enthusiasm and destroy the faith of a person striving sincerely in their Buddhist practice. There may even be times when a person wonders why they keep running into such hardships. But nothing goes unseen by the Gohonzon. In light of the law of cause and effect, the more effort one makes for the Mystic Law, the more good fortune one will accumulate in one’s life. (From the Banner of the Law by Daisaku Ikeda)
I'm trying to chant just to find joy when all I want to do is to cry.
Recently, I achieved amazing victories in different areas of my life.
I should have expected the demons to attack me in the context of my Buddhist practice, but truth is, it never crossed my mind. I've always felt my Buddhist family as one that was judgement-free, drama-free, and where I could actually be myself without fear of being misunderstood.
My mother and my district leader both said to chant to find joy. I'll just do that I guess. And read that guidance.
I'll come back soon with some stuff I've been thinking of writing for a while.